What is psychological adulthood?

It is interesting to me that we talk so much about the external milestones associated with adulthood - careers, financial success, marriage, children, independence - without talking much at all about what it takes psychologically to become an adult. Because I think many of us age into adulthood while remaining psychologically dependent on external validation, rescue fantasies, authority figures, relationships to organize the self, or avoidance of uncertainty. And I don't say that with contempt or criticism. I think that is the natural consequence of the fact that most of us were never actually modeled, supported, or initiated into psychological adulthood in the first place.

We were taught to survive within systems. We were taught to perform and achieve perhaps. But many people were never taught how to become the conductor of their own lives. And I think that leaves many of us, in some ways, as children in adult bodies. Not because we are lazy, defective, or incapable. But because parts of us are still organized around unmet developmental needs, dependency, fear, or the hope that someone else will eventually come along and rescue us from uncertainty, loneliness, responsibility, decision-making, or even from ourselves. This is understandable; it is very seductive. Who hasn't wanted to be rescued at some point from the uncertainty, pain, and responsibility that comes with being an adult human? But ultimately it is unsustainable and disempowering.

I think it is worthwhile to talk more about what psychological adulthood actually is. And probably others will define psychological adulthood differently. To me, it is not about perfection, hyper-independence, or never needing anyone. It's not about pretending that trauma, inequality, or systems don't exist. And it's certainly not about "pulling yourself up by your bootstraps."

There are very real reasons why the playing field is not equal. Trauma shapes people. Systems shape people. Childhood shapes people. Temperament and ability level shapes people. But adulthood does require us at some point to become an active participant in our own lives instead of waiting for someone else to rescue, direct, regulate, or define it for you. It means developing agency. It means learning to make decisions for yourself instead of endlessly waiting for certainty or permission. It means building competencies with the practical realities of life. It means learning how to communicate directly instead of expecting other people to read your mind. It means defining yourself instead of organizing your identity entirely around external approval. It means moving towards accepting reality as it is instead of remaining psychologically fused to fantasies about how life "should" have been.

And I think a large part of entering psychological adulthood may involve grief. Grieving what you didn't receive. Grieving the unfairness of life. Grieving the fact that many things are outside your control (and learning to distinguish what actually is within your control). Grieving the fantasy that someone is eventually going to arrive and make everything okay.

None of this is easy. In many ways, it is deeply unfair. We didn't ask to be here. We didn't choose the families, systems, circumstances, or wounds that shape us. But eventually we are faced with the reality that this is our life. And part of becoming an adult psychologically may simply mean learning how to work with ourselves, our limitations, our histories, and our circumstances in a way that allows life to become meaningful and workable for us anyway.